Sunday, May 31, 2009
Joke - Looking for me!
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialled the employees’ home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”.
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”
He dialled the employees’ home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”.
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Joke - Engineer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $5000 from the engineer for his services.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded:
One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $4999
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $5000 from the engineer for his services.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded:
One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $4999
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Joke - Shave and a Haircut
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber.
"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber.
"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Joke - Heart Transplant
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors.
The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.
The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.
And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years.
Which do you want?"
After some careful thought, the patient replied, "I'll take the lawyer's heart."
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart.
"It was easy," explained the patient...
"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors.
The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.
The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.
And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years.
Which do you want?"
After some careful thought, the patient replied, "I'll take the lawyer's heart."
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart.
"It was easy," explained the patient...
"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Joke - Waking Up
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
The husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
The husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
Joke - Honest Bumper Stickers
-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Joke - Hospital Bill
Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.
“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questioned sternly.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered, “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!”
“Really?,” said Mr. Smith, “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!”
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.
“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questioned sternly.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered, “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!”
“Really?,” said Mr. Smith, “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!”
Joke - 50 Things To Do In An Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. Censored by your son.
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty!
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say Ding! at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. Censored by your son.
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty!
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say Ding! at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!
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